3 of Flash’s greatest villains that really shouldn’t be.

19 04 2011

This summer DC is launching Flashpoint, a summer event focused on The Flash. When I think about the Flash, one of the first things that comes to mind is his strong rogue’s gallery. Many creators have done a fantastic job exploring these villains, and making them some of the most complex characters in the DCU. Now that I’m done sucking DC’s executive penis, I also want to say that some of these villains, at their core, either should have been defeated long ago or probably never should have existed. For example, let’s look at….

REVERSE-FLASH


Nearly every major hero has a villainous clone created because the writer wanted to duck out early on a Friday. Flash’s writer not only ducked out, but showed up Monday with his 2-week notice. The very name, “Reverse-Flash,” is as lazy as names get. It’s like instead of calling him Sabertooth we called him “Evil Wolverine” or instead of calling him “Venom” we called him “Not so friendly Spider-man.”  And instead of spending an extra 10 minutes on a unique origin story for Reverse-Flash, they simply took the exact same origin done for Regular-Flash and Kid-Flash and gave it to Reverse-Flash. And finally we have the costume. It’s basically the same as the Flash’s, only the colors are reversed. AH! Now I get it! REVERSE FLASH! It’s more like someone gave their child a Flash coloring book at a restaurant, but the waitress only brought the kid two crayons.

Turtle man


As stated previously, it’s not uncommon for heroes to face off villains that mirror or counter their own abilities. When creating

I found an actual picture of Turtle man, but I decided to use this picture instead because these guys look more intimidating

Turtle Man, someone had the right idea just the wrong execution. A natural foe for the Flash, you would think, would be a villain who could slow down time or even take away someone else’s speed. Instead someone made “Turtle man.” His slogan? “The slowest man on earth.” His power? He’s really really slow. The End. But how would someone like this defeat the flash? That’s the genius of Turtle man. He does what no other villain would think of; such as the time Turtle Man slowly robbed a bank, and then hid inside the safe until for the Flash arrived and left. Hiding in the very place he just looted, the fiend!

Captain Boomerang


You can historically trace the use of boomerangs by man back ten thousand years. After ten thousand years of use, you’d imagine humans got pretty good at throwing these, and you’d guess right…that is up until roughly 1247 when man realized they could kill more things faster with gunpowder. Not everyone bought into this whole “gun fad,” though. Like George Harkness, aka Captain Boomerang. He is a man who literally wears his passion on his sleeve. But after being defeated over and over again by the Flash you’d think he’d get a clue and a gun. It’s not like the guy doesn’t see the value of technology. I’ve seen this ass-hole throw boomerangs with detonators on the tips. Yet he still refuses to buy something more deadly and effective, like an assault rifle or a rocket launcher. And don’t you dare tell me that Captain Boomerang doesn’t have the resources for an assault rifle. His speed dial contains a billionaire who fights heroes in a lime green mech-suit and a guy who has a pistol which can freeze tanks. As far as I can see, there’s no reason Captain Boomerang shouldn’t be running the Flash down in a jet fighter. The practicality of bullets eventually caught up with him after he was shot by a gun and killed. Who shot him? Robin the boy wonder’s dad. Yep, Captain Boomerang was killed by the dad of a side-kick of a super hero without powers that he never even fights.  And to top the scene off, Robin’s poppa shot Boomerang with his eyes closed. When Captain Boomerang decided being dead sucks and returned to life, you’d think the first place he’d go would be a gun store so he could shoot Robin’s pimple filled face. Nope. CB went over the home depot, got some plywood,

and made himself a fresh batch of boomerangs. Then Flash punched him in the faceand he went back to jail. The most frightening thing about Captain Boomerang is what he wears. He dresses like an Australian child molester.

Hey kids! I've got something in my pocket that's curved and made of wood! And I'll show it to you in a....FLASH!





Bad Bromance

5 04 2011

Cyclopes and Wolverine have never seen eye to eyes. The things they have fought over range from women to clothes, but despite their fashion differences the two of them have remained side by side. But Marvel has revealed the two of them are going to have a falling out which will break up the entire x-band. This isn’t a plot line that’s new to super heroes though. You would think that these “guardians of morality” would have more civilized ways of addressing disagreement. Such as having a vote, or going on camping trips. But instead they use the same logic that they have used to overcome all their other problems. The heroes punch the shit out of the situation. And does it work? Nope. It usually leaves everyone in an even worse situation.

Comic book teams are like high school clicks. Two people have a cat fight over a juice box and all the friends have to choose a side. Don’t believe me? Look at just a few of the “Universe changing” team splits that stemmed from a leadership temper tantrum.

 

The contenders? Captain America vs Iron Man

The problem? Capt thinks Iron Man’s a tool

The result: A super hero civil war

After having one too many buildings blown up due to super hero fights, the government decided it was time to make people with powers actually go through training. If this was real life, everyone would say “well it’s about damn time.” If a 16 year old needs to take a class before driving a car, shouldn’t that same 16 year old have to pass a test before manipulating ice in a mall? Capt says hellz to the nawz. Captain America didn’t like the idea of the government forcing heroes to unmask themselves. But you can’t blame him, since in comic books the white house gets hacked more often than a pornadic’s laptop. So how does Capt approach this problem? He punches Iron Man and anyone in his way. But it’s ok, because Captain America is doing it for Truth and Justice. At the end of the “war” two avenger teams remain. One made up of Iron Man’s law abiding tool bags and one made up of Luke Cage’s freedom fighting homeless heroes. What happened to Captain America? Oh, he went to jail and got shot.

Winner of the fight? Iron man.

 

 

The contenders?  Magneto vs Professor Xavier

The Problem? Humans are meanies

The result? The destruction of New York City.

Xavier and Magneto used to be best friend. They would go for picnics together, long walks, and if any of this sounds like they were dating, well, based on the writer they probably were. And as their love friendship blossomed grew they built a nest school filled with more mutants. But as time passed, the two stopped agreeing on things. As hate crimes against mutants rose, Xavier felt the best solution was to show the homo-sapiens that homo-superiors just wanted to be treated the same (I’m not sure how he expected that to be an easy sell when they were calling themselves superior). Magneto chose a more…urban…approach. “Those bitches hurt us? I’m just gonna kill’m” and so he did. The humans would throw rocks at an orphan mutant, so Magneto would throw cars back at them. The humans would attack his home with giant robots, so Magneto threw a meteor at America. Magneto is a man of results. He also had vastly more followers. Whenever there was a mutant membership drive Magneto would literally fill an Island with followers while Xavier would have a group of 10. But it turns out Xavier loved reading up on military tactics and history, cause those 10 would beat the crap out of Magneto’s army on a monthly basis.

The winner of the fight? Wolverine. After all the fighting, no one wanted to invite Magneto OR Xavier to any parties. Wolverine on the other hand, has been on the Fantastic Four, Avengers, and teams up regularly with Spider-man.

 

Sure, no team book has more deaths then the titans, but no team book has more hugs either

The contenders? Green Arrow vs DC’s trinity

The Problem: He thinks the Justice League’s lazy

The result: Green Arrow is now homeless

When Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman decided to rebuild the league they set out to make it even better than ever. They put Black Canary in charge and where joined by some of their oldest allies. As time passed, and the team lost some members, Green Arrow and Green Lantern felt that the current JLA..well….sucked. So they decided to build a new Justice League. Their membership included Supergirl and a Gorilla. How did they fair? As well as a side-kick and a Gorilla can really be expected to. Their first major villain beat the hell out of all of them, beat the hell out of their reinforcements, cut the arm off Green Arrow’s son, and blew up Green Arrow’s city. But what happened to the other league? Well after GA and GL called them losers in front of everyone, no one wanted to join the JLA clubhouse.

 

The winner of the fight: Green Lantern. After all this went down, old GL got himself promoted to White Lantern status.

 

 

The contenders: Batman vs the entire Justice League

The problem: The Justice League’s a buncha winnies

The result: Batman makes new friends

 

This one is pretty cut and dry. Batman gets sick of playing with the Justice League so he says “I’m gonna make some new friends!” and so he did. He created a team named the Outsiders, and he led them Bat-style. I can’t stress enough how ironic that a guy who runs around calling himself a loner needs so many people to love him.

 

The winner: Batman