It’s Morph’n Time Again

27 05 2010

After being canceled, The Power Rangers are set to make a return on Nickelodeon. Haim Saban, the original owner, bought the rights back from Disney and has signed a 20 episode deal with Nickelodeon.

I am very pleased to hear this news. I feel that every generation has their own childhood heroes, who made them really fall in love with the sci-fi and comic book genres. The 60’s Batman, Superfriends, and Transformers have all created their own mountains in America’s nerd heart, and Power Rangers are right there with them.

From ridiculous story canon to super hero crossovers (the Power Ranger once teamed up with the Ninja Turles….I don’t understand that one either) everything that makes comic books great (and not so great) are in the Power Rangers! I’m going to say it, I want to see a modern movie remake! Transformers and GI Joe got them, one day I want to see one with the Power Rangers also! And thanks to Nickelodeon, that just might happen. But is Nickelodeon really a good home for the Power Rangers? YES!

Ok Rangers, we're about to face our greatest enemy! TV ratings!

A few years ago I would have said no, but after seeing the wonderful work they did with Avatar: the last Airbender, Power Rangers could really have a chance to shine again. If you think about it, Disney’s choice to get rid of Power Rangers makes since. Even before purchasing the rights to Power Rangers, Disney has had a heavy load of franchises to juggle. Between their own Mickey Mouse cartoons, The Muppets, and their ethnic pool of Disney princesses, Disney was loaded out the ass with programming to throw at young naive minds. And I’m not even talking about their army of teenie pop stars. Now Disney has bought Marvel Comics. If they’re going to give the Avengers the proper treatment, something’s gotta go to make programming room, and it’s not gonna be Hanna Montana.

The Rangers were never a Disney priority to begin with anyway. If you don’t have a ride at Disney World then you aren’t officially part of the family. Hell, they weren’t even casting Rangers out of America anymore! What kind of shit is that! This last group was mostly Australian kids. So to recap; A Japanese TV show, was reedited for American viewers, using Australian actors. And people wonder why the show didn’t work.

Nickelodeon, if you’re listening (which you aren’t) here are some tips for making Power Rangers great again!

–          Keep it simple!

  • The rangers work best when they aree typical high schoolers. Don’t do any of this “Trained from the future” or “Half Alien” crap!

–          Make the zords Animals!

  • Don’t use freak’n cars as battle robots! There is nothing cool about a car driving towards a giant monster! You know what is cool? A giant robot Tyrannosaurus fighting a giant monster bear!

–          Don’t make all the Red Rangers boys

  • The American version of Power Rangers has used girls to replace male characters before. The year is 2010. It’s way past time that we saw a woman take the lead!

–          Don’t completely recast every season!

  • I’m sure there are several good reasons for the show to recast every season (one of which is that I’m sure it makes it easier to write) but it makes it harder for fans to connect to the cast. Do you know why Tommy and Adam are two of the most popular rangers? Because they stuck around!

No news is out whether these 20 new episodes will be a remake of the original storyline or if they will continue the current trend of “new rangers,” but I’m going to keep an eye open.


Cops? What cops?

18 05 2010

By now, most of you have seen the movie “Iron Man 2.” In the film, Ivan Vanko (the bad guy), uses electric whips (they look cooler then they sound) to attack Tony Stark before he is able to get into his Iron Man suit. This action segment is set at a public event (a race track) in the middle of the day. So when I watched this death whip holding man attack civilians I wondered “Where the fuck are the cops?!”

This guy is a threat! When Vanko approaches Tony, he attacks several racecar drivers who where only there to do their jobs. How much does that suck? Because Tony decides a secret identity isn’t important, their asses are now in hospital beds and morgues. I’m no trained officer of the law, but when I see a guy blowing up cars my first thought is “Take his ass out!”

Anyone gonna shoot this guy? Anyone? No? Ok...that's cool....... He'll just keep hurting people. No biggie

If this was a giant death god like Darkseid or Hades then I would understand why a cop wouldn’t jump into the fight. But it was some Russian guy with super powered night lights! He guy wasn’t wearing a helmet either, nor was he even running! He was walking, rather slowly, in the open, with no helmet, towards civilians, while blowing shit up. SHOOT HIM!

At first I thought “well maybe for some ungodly reason there were no officers of the law at this event,” but after Tony defeated Vanko, two officers where on his ass like ketchup on a burger. If I was tony the first thing I’d ask was “Where were you ass holes?!” It’s not like you’d have to get close to him! Shoot the guy from the stands!

In that whole fight, do you want to know who the real MVP was? Happy Hogan! Who the hell’s that, you ask? The chauffer! Why’s he the MVP? Because he’s one of the smartest fighters I’ve ever seen in a comic book movie! This guy saw a villain attacking his friend, so he did the most logical thing anyone would do…HE HIT THE JERK WITH HIS CAR! Hellz ya! And what did he do when he realized Vanko wasn’t dead? HE HIT HIM WITH THE CAR AGAIN! AND THEN AGAIN! That’s how you do it! But does Happy even get a thank you? No! If that stunt doesn’t deserve a raise, I don’t know what does.

Smell like Diesel, live like a tool

11 05 2010

I’ve seen some pretty ridiculous marketing attempts to take advantage of a successful movie, but Diesel cologne takes the cake as far as recent memory serves. Diesel is producing, for limited time, a cologne fragrance that uses Iron Man as the label. Yep. It’s an Iron Man cologne. For all of you single guys out there, let me just tell you right now. Comic books are not sexy. Yeah, they make cool movies and are fun to read, but they have no place in the bathroom besides on a magazine rack.

Before I go on I want you to take a good look at the box and bottle.

Do your eyes hurt as much as mine do? The box looks less like something I’d buy from a men’s attire store, and more like something I’d buy my little cousin from Target. As a comic book nerd, I’ll excuse the use of Iron Patriot as the character on the box rather than Iron Man, because I’m pretty confident that this entire idea was created by some first semester unpaid intern.

So we get past the box art than we read the brand name….“Diesel,”……..who the fuck wants to smell like Diesel?! What kind of horrible seduction branding is that?! Maybe if the name wasn’t being marketed with a giant robot suit, it’d be a tad bit more appealing. Let me tell you right now, diesel fumes do NOT equal sex with women, despite what the porn industry tells us.

So we get past the box, and the name, and we open it to find……a giant red fist……COME ON NOW! Are you guys even trying over there?! This whole thing just keeps looking more and more like a toy! Why would you make the cologne bottle look like Ronald McDonalds hand?! IN FIST FORMATION! Like you’re about the punch the love out of a woman! If a young lady saw that in your bathroom, hell, if your GRANDMA saw that in your bathroom, you would be mocked and out casted by the rest of your community.

Super Street Fighter IV Favorite characters

5 05 2010

Heroes who suck at their job – The Green Ranger

2 05 2010

When the Green Ranger first hit the scene, all my friends thought he was the coolest thing ever! Me? I thought he was a punk! I didn’t like him one bit. I didn’t blame him for being a bad guy at first, he was mind controlled. I did blame him for always being late to every freak’n fight though!

"Sorry I'm late guys, I was busy scratching my nuts"

Yeah! You remember that? Tommy, the Green Ranger, was always freak’n late to the fight! Whenever a monster would attack, all the other rangers would go out there and get their asses kicked around. Then, at the very end, Tommy would show up playing his crap ass dagger flute and save the day. Do you know how much faster the rangers would beat each monster if all six of them were there from the start?! And who the hell uses a dagger that’s part flute in a fight anyway?! At least use a cool instrument like an electric keyboard!

I probably wouldn’t mind him as much if it wasn’t for the fact that they gave him all the best gear also. He had extra armor AND his zord was one of the strongest. So they gave all the best stuff to the guy that was never around. And do you know why he was always late!? Because he never wore his communicator! YOU’RE A POWER RANGER!!! If you don’t want the job, then say so! There’s no shortage of “teenagers with attitude” in America! If I was Zordon I would have cut his ass long ago!

But instead of cutting him, how do they address his performance? They promoted his ass! They made the guy who was a ranger the shortest amount of time, and who was always late, and who had LOST his powers to the enemy, the leader! Tommy became “the white ranger”….I call horse shit! You remember the white ranger, had a tiger as his robot and had a talking sword. I think the real reason Zordon gave him a talking sword was so that someone would be there to make sure his ass got to work for a change.