Smell like Diesel, live like a tool

I’ve seen some pretty ridiculous marketing attempts to take advantage of a successful movie, but Diesel cologne takes the cake as far as recent memory serves. Diesel is producing, for limited time, a cologne fragrance that uses Iron Man as the label. Yep. It’s an Iron Man cologne. For all of you single guys out there, let me just tell you right now. Comic books are not sexy. Yeah, they make cool movies and are fun to read, but they have no place in the bathroom besides on a magazine rack.

Before I go on I want you to take a good look at the box and bottle.

Do your eyes hurt as much as mine do? The box looks less like something I’d buy from a men’s attire store, and more like something I’d buy my little cousin from Target. As a comic book nerd, I’ll excuse the use of Iron Patriot as the character on the box rather than Iron Man, because I’m pretty confident that this entire idea was created by some first semester unpaid intern.

So we get past the box art than we read the brand name….“Diesel,”……..who the fuck wants to smell like Diesel?! What kind of horrible seduction branding is that?! Maybe if the name wasn’t being marketed with a giant robot suit, it’d be a tad bit more appealing. Let me tell you right now, diesel fumes do NOT equal sex with women, despite what the porn industry tells us.

So we get past the box, and the name, and we open it to find……a giant red fist……COME ON NOW! Are you guys even trying over there?! This whole thing just keeps looking more and more like a toy! Why would you make the cologne bottle look like Ronald McDonalds hand?! IN FIST FORMATION! Like you’re about the punch the love out of a woman! If a young lady saw that in your bathroom, hell, if your GRANDMA saw that in your bathroom, you would be mocked and out casted by the rest of your community.

Heroes who suck at their job – The Green Ranger

When the Green Ranger first hit the scene, all my friends thought he was the coolest thing ever! Me? I thought he was a punk! I didn’t like him one bit. I didn’t blame him for being a bad guy at first, he was mind controlled. I did blame him for always being late to every freak’n fight though!

"Sorry I'm late guys, I was busy scratching my nuts"

Yeah! You remember that? Tommy, the Green Ranger, was always freak’n late to the fight! Whenever a monster would attack, all the other rangers would go out there and get their asses kicked around. Then, at the very end, Tommy would show up playing his crap ass dagger flute and save the day. Do you know how much faster the rangers would beat each monster if all six of them were there from the start?! And who the hell uses a dagger that’s part flute in a fight anyway?! At least use a cool instrument like an electric keyboard!

I probably wouldn’t mind him as much if it wasn’t for the fact that they gave him all the best gear also. He had extra armor AND his zord was one of the strongest. So they gave all the best stuff to the guy that was never around. And do you know why he was always late!? Because he never wore his communicator! YOU’RE A POWER RANGER!!! If you don’t want the job, then say so! There’s no shortage of “teenagers with attitude” in America! If I was Zordon I would have cut his ass long ago!

But instead of cutting him, how do they address his performance? They promoted his ass! They made the guy who was a ranger the shortest amount of time, and who was always late, and who had LOST his powers to the enemy, the leader! Tommy became “the white ranger”….I call horse shit! You remember the white ranger, had a tiger as his robot and had a talking sword. I think the real reason Zordon gave him a talking sword was so that someone would be there to make sure his ass got to work for a change.

Young Justice Cartoon Series

Young Justice is getting their own TV show, and I’m excited! Young Justice was a comic book series starring many of DC’s teenage heroes. It was replaced by the current run of Teen Titans. I was a big fan of the series, and while I do wish that a TV show was released when the series was still going, it’s better late than never.

No Wondergirl? Lame!

Many cast members of Young Justice appear to be missing and replaced with characters that were introduced in Teen Titans. To be honest, that doesn’t really bother me. Ideally kids will enjoy the Young Justice series and then want to read the comic books. If they don’t recognize the cast, they won’t read the comics. I remember when I first started reading X-men comic books, it was confusing as hell after going from the cartoon. Jubilee was no where around, Rogue didn’t have super strength, and they kept fighting villains I never heard of.

On the same token, I also do not have a problem with cartoons taking creative liberties. If it wasn’t for the animated industry taking a few risks we wouldn’t have a lot of great characters like Renee Montoya, a detective in the Batman universe. This brings us to one of the cast members of the Young Justice cartoon series, Aqualad.

The Aqua-family has never been on the “cool-list” as far as DC’s icons go. And this popularity is reflected in the comics. The original Aqualad has recently died, but at the point of death he was in his mid-twenties and called “Tempest.” There has not been a Jr. Aquaman in decades, and that’s probable because no one’s really asked for on. And while a few teen heroes have attempted to fill the aquavoid (Lagoon Boy and a new Aquagirl) they quickly went back into the water. With the introduction of an Aqualad that isn’t based off Garth, this could mean that a new Aqualad will appear in the comic books.

With so much of DC’s animated features now being produced in-house, a part of me is curious of the decision to kill off the previous Aqualad has anything to do with the introduction of the new kid. I doubt it, but DC’s pulled this kind of crap before.

Marvel vs Capcom Revived!

After years, and years, and more years of waiting, a sequel to Marvel vs Capcom 3 is coming out! Fans have been waiting over a decade for this title to release, and as one of those fans I’ve got to say “Way past time you jerks!”

Why are so many Marvel and Capcom fans excited about this title? Marvel vs. Capcom 2 (MvC2) was a really fun game, plain and simple. All the elements of “fun” where in it. Cool animation, big explosions, a diverse cast, more explosion, and simple yet strategically satisfying combat system. Even if you where a newbie, you could hold your own against some of the pros. Where the characters balanced? Hell no! But in the early 2000’s no one cared! We were just happy to be able to play as Wolverine in a game that didn’t suck. At these days, licensed video games where all crap. And I mean ccrraaappp. Comic book fans would often trick themselves into thinking a shitty game was actually good, but they we were all in denial.

With so many fans hungry for this game, you would think Capcom would be eager to release another title, right? Well they were! Problem was they lost to rights soon after the home release. With Capcom no longer owning the rights, and with arcades dwindling, this circulation of MvC2 became scarce. Gamestop was pricing this game for $60.00, which was pretty steep at the time for a used PS2 game. But online people where selling the title for over 100 bucks! Capcom tried to release other games, such as Capcom vs SNK, but it wasn’t the same.

It’s no secret that for a long time marvel has had a challenge controlling the rights of their characters. Even to this day, Marvel is still fighting to get back many of their characters. In the video game world, for a long time Activision has had the rights to Marvel’s characters. But to be fair, Activision was done a very good job using them. The X-men legends series and Marvel Ultimate Alliance games have all been great! But even here, originally Activision could not use the Hulk in Marvel Ultimate Alliance due to licensing issues.

Does a cross over like this make any sense? NOPE! Do we fans care? HELLZ NAW!

Another part of the equation is the fighting game genre. When first producing Street Fighter IV, many members of the company openly said this was a bit of a risk. Many producers and fans have believed 2D fighters to be a dying breed. I believe that the company has been releasing most of their 2D fighters on XBOX live to test the waters. When Street Fighter IV hit the streets, it was a huge success. Confidence in 2D “a” is punch gaming “up” is jump had returned.

On Marvel end, they had been bought out by the Covenant Empire of media, Disney. There has been no official statement, but I’m betting that this recent opening of Marvel characters to Capcom had something to do with the new boss. Let’s face it, Disney is about making money. When you have a product that people openly want to buy, Disney will find a way to produce it. And they did. The announcement of a Marvel vs Capcom game is far too soon after the purchase of Marvel by Disney for there not to be more to this story.

So what does this mean for Activision? Assuming Disney didn’t just kick open Activisions door and said “Give us that shit or else!” (which they probable did), I doubt this is the end of Activisions relationship with Marvel. Activision has proven their ability to make good video games using Marvels Heroes. And even if they did end the relationship, DC needs a good video game. Activision will probable just hop over there.

Now Marvel vs Capcom 3 is in development, and I can go back to church since my faith in God has returned. Normally I’d be a little worried, a decade between video games is a long time. But Capcom has shown they know exactly what they’re doing. Not let the who will be in the game debates begin!

Spider-series

It looks like Spectacular Spider-man, an animated series based on (you guessed it) Spider-man, maybe coming to a close. Marvel according to Newsarama.com Marvel Animation will begin producing a new show called Ultimate Spider-man. Whether or not this could mean the end of Spectacular Spider-man is up in the air. And that really grinds my gears!

Spectacular Spider-man has not only been one of the best adoptions (animated or not) of Spider-man in recent memory, but has been one of the best animated comic book series in recent memory! It’s enjoyable for all ages, and for both new and old Spider-man fans! So why end this great series? I bet it has to do with the title.

“Ultimate Spider-man” has not only been the flagship title of the Ultimate line (Several times it was the only Ultimate title worth reading) but it has become a flag ship title for Marvel comics as a whole. And with good reason! The stories are as much about Spider-man as they are about Peter Parker, they aren’t over bogged down with continuity from other comic books (aside from Ultimatium), and we don’t have any demons running around mind wiping Peter’s friends. The Ultimate line as a whole was so successful Marvel began slapping the title “Ultimate” on things that had nothing to do with the line, such as the video games and lunch boxes. But could you blame them?

At first the Ultimate line was the N’Sync of Comic books. But like all boy bands, the fans grew up and the group fell apart. Ultimate Fantastic Four ended, Ultimate incarnations of characters never where released. But like Justin Timberlake, Ultimate Spider-man found a way to survive. It’s still going strong, and if you haven’t read it, you really are missing out! With a hot selling title, it’d be foolish not to try and market it as much as possible! And if I had heard 2 years ago they were doing an Ultimate Spider-man series I’d be doing a happy dance. It’s not 2008. We have a Spider-man series, and a damn good one. There isn’t a need for an Ultimate Spider-man series because the things that make Ultimate Spider-man great are already the same things making Spectacular Spider-man great.

What really upsets me, assuming that they end Spectacular, is that the series has really begun to stand on its own two feet. When we think of all of our most popular and iconic TV comic book series, they all had time to grow the characters. They weren’t 2 season series, Batman TAS was over five, X-men the animated series was five, and God only knows how many seasons where in the 90’s Spider-man animated series.

Prepare for your greatest enemy Peter....DISNEY!

The synopsis of Ultimate Spider-man, according it Marvel Animation president Eric S. Rollman, is “Ultimate Spider-Man will be a unique journey exploring our favorite web-slinger as he teams up with other fan favorite Marvel Super Heroes in never before seen stories with a new life filled with great challenges, new friends, intense action and character growth.” It sounds like Marvel is trying to make some money off of the success “Batman: The Brave and The Bold” has had. If they want to do a series called “Marvel Team-ups” which focuses on Spider-man, then do it! Awsome! But call it what it is! Marvel Team-ups would be a great series to watch! Who doesn’t love a good Spider-man/Wolverine team-up? But a series about team-ups isn’t going to give Mary Jane or Harry Osborn a lot of screen time, which is what Spectacular does. Let’s hope that maybe in this new decade we can live in a world where two Spider-man series can co-exist at the same time.

My take on Blackest Night

DC’s Blackest Night event is now over, and since several comic book websites are posting Brightest Day preview images, I think I’m not spoiling anything by revealing that several heroes have returned from the dead.  With all the talk about Brightest Day now in comic news I still want to spend a moment to reflect back on Blackest Night.

Blackest Night, for those unfamiliar, has been a DC cross-comic event. Focused on Green Lantern, the story is about the dead rising from the grave and beating the crap out of the living. The Green Lantern Corps teams up with several other Lantern Corps’ resulting in a color filled fight I have not seen since the Power Rangers movie. The good guys win and several dead characters are brought back.

As I’ve stated before, I’m not a very big zombie fan; mostly because everyone and their uncle have been doing zombie stuff. Zombie movies, zombie Pride and Prejudice, Marvel zombies, this seems like one of those fads we’ll be hearing about on VH1’s “remember the 2000’s.”

That said, I thought DC’s Blackest Night was really cool. Mostly because of all the character development that went on. I don’t like the fact that Barry Allen has returned from the dead, but damn if he wasn’t a great character to read in this story. Considering that Blackest Night released along side Flash:Rebirth, I felt that THIS was his true “return to glory” story. Flash was as much of a star in this as Hal Jordan was.

Then there was Mera, a character who quiet honestly I couldn’t give a rat’s ass about. She was a supporting character in a title that couldn’t selling (sorry Aquaman fans). She never played a large role in DC events, she never appeared as a guest star in other titles, and even when all the DC heroes would get together (like Green Arrow’s wedding) Mera was nowhere to be found. Then Blackest Night came out, and she was kicking ass with high-heels on!

Mera’s proof that a low-power level, less main stream character can go very far if handled properly. I’m excited to see her appear in more books! Hell, I’d almost buy an Aquaman comic book for her over Arthur! I’m also really happy to see a woman take on such a strong role in a comic book event. I don’t think we see enough of that. I’m aslo glad that Geoff Johns, the writer, decided to use Hal Jordan’s own title to show “Hal Jordan” moments, allowing the main book to flesh out the other characters.

I can’t talk about Blackest Night without talking about the fight scenes, which where awesome! Usually when a comic book hero turns evil, for some reason, they don’t fight as well. They fight more vicious, but they still seem to loss to their sidekicks. Well not this time around! I never thought I’d view Elongated Man as a physical threat, but it’s amazing what a hunger for flesh will do for ya in a fight! And how does the current Firestorm, Jason Rusch, defeat his predecessor? He doesn’t! And his girlfriend has to pay the price. Poor Jason has to watch helplessly as a zombiriffic Ronnie Raymond, the original Firestorm, kills his suga baby. Jason was in the JLA for like 2 weeks and then the guy has to put up with that shit! Sucks to be him, but I love read’n it!

Other cool things about the series? Nekron got one badass face lift, Wally West hasn’t been side-lined, and Lex Luthor gets a power ring! We also get to see Sinestro use the white light! Why is this so cool to me? Because it brings up an underlining attribute of Sinestro many people forget. He’s a villain, but not in his own mind! Sinestro views himself the hero the universe needs and the Guardians as the ones ruining it. Blackest Night was filled with really cool moments!

But where there uncool moments also? If you ask me there were. The biggest and most contrivers thing to come out of Blackest Night is the group of resurrected heroes and villains. Many characters came back from the dead at the end, some were expected and some were not. While I, and most of you, saw this coming it still didn’t make me happy. I’m really tired of the revolving death door comic books have. And now I feel that it’s gotten just lazy. They aren’t even trying to explain why some people come back and some do not. The only character I’m that interested in reading about from the “risen” list is Deadman. This is going to be a very interesting new direction for the character. Everyone else? You want me to get excited about Hawk?! Really? And look, DC brought back all of Barry’s old villains, just in time for his new ongoing series. Ain’t that a shocker……You give us Max but you leave Tempest dead?! Come on now!!

At this point in time it’s hard to feel any sense of empathy when a character died in comic books, because one way or another they’re coming back. If I was a hero in modern day comic books I’d laugh my ass off at death traps! Cause I know I’ll come back after some midget makes a power ring, or after some teenager punches a time line (both of which have happened)!!!

So Blackest Night has been a good read. Lots of great moments and lots of great art. Now let’s see how Brightest Day compares.

Superhero Healthcare reform

There has been a lot of talk and concern about healthcare reform. The media has shed light on the influence that a change in healthcare will have on most social groups. Most, but not all. Middle class Americans, Black Americans, Single parents, and more have all had a chance to speak out about health care. But what about the super powered Americans? How would a universal healthcare plan affect the Super Hero community?

For heroes such as Static Shock, a universal healthcare plan would be very beneficial for their needs. Static is part of a super powered community that does not have a lot of money, nor do they have any sort of healing powers. When you’re getting fireballed once a week, those medical bills add up quickly. Waiting tables at Ihop can’t pay for the kinda medical care you need after a throw down with Sinestro.

Many non-profit superhero teams would also benefit. Look at the x-men. Not only do they protect mankind but they run a school as well. When you’re teaching teenagers how to teleport, people are going to get hurt. And while the X-men have had mutants with healing powers in their rosters, these guys tend to get killed a lot (which is kind of ironic). Without the worries of medical bills, the Xavier institute would finally be able to apply more dangerous training obstacles for their students, like heat seeking missiles! Isn’t that wonderfulJ!

Will the superhero community have access the the same quality of test tubes and cloning equipment after healthcare reform?

But then there is the other side of the fence. What about heroes like Batman and Green Arrow. These guys get their ribs broken on a weekly basis. And since they don’t have super powers they need medical attention quick.  What would Commissioner Gordon do if Batman couldn’t answer his signal because he was waiting in line at the doctor’s office?

Then there are the many heroes who have special needs. Luke Cage has indestructible skin, Cyborg is half robot, Plasticman is made out of….well….plastic. How would a universal healthcare plan assist all of these special needs?

While Washington may have put the concerns of many Americans inside their debates, I’m a tad insulted no one has thought about the needs of Superheroes. Especially Obama. As I recall Spider-man and Savage Dragon helped him out during his campaign. Now that I think about it, perhaps there are some super-powered backdoor deals going down in Washington……..

Bowser, a turtle missunderstood

I feel that over the past few decades Bowser, formerly known as King Koopa, has received a bad rap that he doesn’t necessarily deserve. Since in the vast majority of Mario games we play as, well, Mario, we don’t always look at what’s going on from Bowser’s side.

Let’s put our controllers down for a minute and take a good look at the Koopa Kingdom. From an economic stand point he’s doing very well ruling the lands. They have so much money there is literally gold coins on the roads. He’s developed an amazing transportation system based around a pipeline and flying air powered ships. The citizens seem the love him. Everyone willingly lays down their lives for Bowser all the time. Bowser’s also a family man. In these days you have to tip your hat to a single father that’s raising as many children as he is.

Sure some people may say “But he’s always kidnapping the princess,” but how much evidence do we really have for these “kidnappings?” The woman is a princes after all. She could afford a fence and a home security system if she wanted one. I’ve never really seen her put up a fight either. Typically by the time Mario makes it to the mushroom castle the Princess is already gone. Who’s to say that her yelling for help isn’t just a trick she’s using to get a free ride home from Mario? I mean hell, they all see each other every other week at the tennis courts or playing soccer. We don’t see Bowser going on “kidnap crazy” then!

How bad can a guy riding a clown ship really be? It's even smiling!

Speaking of Mario, I think Bowser has every right to hate him. Bowser doesn’t usually go out of his way to attack Mario. More often than not Bowser is sitting in his house, drinking a grape soda, and then this punk ass in a blood red hat breaks down all of his walls! Mario’s a dinosaur riding, fire spitting, frog transforming italian who eats shrooms! That guys’ freak’n crazy! If I was Bowser I’d want him out of my life also! Mario also runs around blowing up towers with TNT that have been used to house Bowser’s children!  After dealing that that kinda shit for a few decades I’d probable go a lil crazy myself! And then what’s Mario do? He invited Bowser over to play go karts. But as soon as Koopa shows up Mario and all of his friends start throwing turtle shells at him! Turtle shells that probable once belonged to a friend of poor Bowser.

Next time you pick up a nintendo controller and decide to smash of of the bricks a hardworking turtle had to building take a minute and think, does Bowser really deserve this over a woman?

Just-one league

The Justice League of America has recently undergone a line-up change. Joining the ranks of “DC’s Greatest heroes” are Cyborg, Dick Grayson, Mon El, and more. With several long time classic characters, who should have been in the league long ago, teaming up with several veteran leaguers like Hal Jordan, this line-up should be a lot of fun to read. So why isn’t everyone more excited about it? I’ll tell you why, because we’re all sick of the damn line-up changing every 24 months.

Every two or three years the Justice League, a team made up of “Earth’s Greatest Heroes” has some sort of dramatic event causing a split in the ranks. The team goes a few issues with only a handful of characters until a “Regrouping” story arc takes place, in which the League comes back stronger than ever….for about 2-3 years…..then they split up again.

But what event could cause earth’s greatest heroes to break up? Sometimes the heroes decide they need a vacation. Other times they just get their caped crouches kicked in.

So the team splits up, and then it takes a good 4-5 issues for the team to finally get back together. 4-5 issues, that’s 4-5 months with someone like Superman walking up to other super heroes and asking them “wanna join my club?” You’d think that most writers could skim this process to one, maybe two, issues. How hard is it for Wonder Woman to send out a mass text message that says “Respond if you wanna be in the new JLA .”

And whenever the team regroups, if you aren’t Batman, Superman, Wonder woman, or a Green Lantern odds are you’ll be written out after the first year. Sometime characters realize “they aren’t league material” (I’m curious what they expected joining a group who fights demons on a weekly basis). Then some characters just stop appearing in the book with no reason given. They just stop showing up. This happened to the character Faith. She was in the Justice League and then one month she wasn’t. Now she’s somewhere in DC limbo waiting to be killed off in a background fight. Am I looking forward to this new JLA line-up? Sure am! Bout time my man Grayson was in the league fulltime. But couldn’t we just stick with one line-up a bit longer? This way we can see more of that “character development” stuff.

Ipad uses

The Ipad has gotten a lot of mixed press on many scholarly news sources, such as Twitter. But I think we’re all forgetting one of the the Ipads most important uses. Finally we can complete our Star Trek costumes! Those devices we always see the red shirts pushing on before they are sent to die? Those could very well be Ipads!  So before you judge the Ipad, think about the next trek convention you plan on going to, that could make or break your purchase decision.